Researcher Identity Memo

The purpose of this memo is to begin a conversation with yourself about the personal relevance of the research you are planning and why you care about it. To help get you started, answer the following questions:
*What are your passions? What makes you care about the topic, or the people, places or things you wish to study?
* What presumptions and beliefs do you hold about the topic, people, places, or things?
* What are your assumptions and beliefs based on?
* What is currently preoccupying your mind as you begin your research?
* What are your predilections and preferences as a researcher?

My passion is for my job, the work, I do, and the great students I get the privilege of working with every day. I struggle in terms of research for my dissertation and need to find a focus because I think there are so many things within my every day work life that I'm passionate about and it's hard to figure out and frame exactly what it is I want to focus on. I work with many first generation college students; and due to the nature of my job I get to meet them where they are and be a real support to them in ways that a faculty member wouldn't. I spent two hours this past Wednesday sitting with one of my students, sometimes listening, and sometimes crying with her as she discussed how hurt she was feeling after her boyfriend of a year died in an accident last week. That experience took me outside of my comfort zone and allowed me to grieve with her and support her, while also being human and allowing emotions into that relationship.And it's experiences like that which allow me to form real positive mentoring connections with my students, that make me so passionate about what I do. Being able to be a small form of a support system for a student who may not have it. I think far too often we as a society have this idea of what the professional is and this view of how we are supposed to be objective and separated and distant if we are going to be successful. I just don't fit that mold. I'm extremely lucky to have a position working with students where I don't have to fit that mold. That student is just one of many I get to encounter and provide support to. My main role within my position is to provide leadership and guidance to a service program for students who are economically disadvantaged; many of whom are first generation college students, but while that's my official role by university standards, mentoring them and teaching them and guiding them is always where I see my most important role. Service is the other aspect of my program and job that is my passion. Service for me has always been a grounding force in my life. I have yet to find anything that can make me feel as whole as I do when I provide service to others. And to be able to share that passion with students and guide them into experiences that are so meaningful to me, allow me to fully embrace my position and love what I do. These are the topics I'm currently looking at studying, but I never really know if I can make them work within a family context. I wonder if I'm in the right program.

In terms of assumptions and beliefs, I think sometimes I forget not all first generation college students or all students struggling with finances have the same thoughts and experiences I had in college. When I think of first generation college students, I think of students that have no real ways to pay for college and lack support at home and lack motivation from family members to go to college because that my experience. But I recently did an independent study with a faculty member looking at first generation college students and in many of the transcripts from the interviews students had parents that wanted them to go to college and succeed and that saved money to be able to pay for their children's education. I also believe every student who lacks real financial support would be willing to do anything to get the opportunity to finance their education, but many times through the years I've encountered plenty of students who have turned down the opportunity to be in my program after hearing they had to do a bunch of community service to receive their stipend and scholarship. And from that I find myself getting frustrating because service is one of my passions and I'm willing to do it for free meanwhile students aren't willing to do it to pay for their education. I think my assumptions and beliefs are pretty clearly based on my own experiences and how I viewed college and the supports or lack of I received to enter college.

As I begin research I think there are a few things preoccupying my mind. First and foremost related to research is probably my panic for not knowing what I want to research specifically and not having a focus. Although I work with first gen students right now and love it, I find my mind consistently wandering to other topics that interest me such as foster care students on college campuses, or community schools as a way of creating community, the roles churches/faith play in the development of individuals, or some other topics. I feel like I've been flailing around following every other direction that seems interesting without finding a real focus. I also think although this course is meant to help narrow and focus your research, it may be for me the opportunity to really reflect and figure out if this PhD program is right for me; which is the other topic that constantly preoccupies me. Last summer I experienced a traumatic event, that while difficult at the time and the months that followed, really helped me to figure out what I value in life. When I applied to my program my motivation and purpose was clear and for me I could be completely focused on doctoral work and completing this program was going to be my number one priority. But then last summer happened and I had to take a step back and reevaluate my life. My conclusion was although education is good, maybe focusing on loving life and embracing people for who they are and meeting them where are is way more important. To me, that's way more of a necessity that a fancy PhD. This summer, I didn't work nearly as hard or well as I should have on the independent study because I traveled both with students and on my own, to different areas to do service. Something had to be sacrificed- either my work quality for my PhD program or some opportunities for service. I chose to follow my heart to service and sacrifice my phd work. And if I had to choose I'd do it again in a heart beat because I found myself in service again this summer. I found who I was and who I want to be; and I found happiness. And that worries me. It worries me in the sense that I feel like all of the faculty I've encountered have worked so hard to create this PhD program (10 years in the making!!) and I may be wasting all of their time and making a mockery of their efforts by not being the focused phd student I know I'm supposed to be. I worry that I know since my new found love for life, I will if faced with a choice always choose now to follow what feels right in my heart(maybe that means focusing efforts on service instead of studies) versus what is expected of doctoral level students( dedication!).

Predilections and preferences are difficult to point out as a researcher because I don't really know myself as a researcher. What I do know is that I tend to lean toward wanting to do qualitative studies, especially PAR, because it focuses more on some of my passions, but i know that quantitative research is what gets funded. I struggle with knowing at some point I'm going to have to choose and I don't know if I can make the correct choice. And who's choice would I be making? One that benefits the research or focusing solely on what I know I could get funded? I have a bias towards qualitative studies because as I mentioned previously I enjoy that interaction with people. I want to get to know everything about everyone because people are fascinating, This will be an area for me to explore further in my next "memo" to see if I can narrow down some of my research preferences and start to think seriously about potential research topics and ways to effectively research them.