Self Disclosure

I was thinking about the idea of self-disclosure and what role that really plays for me as a researcher, as a graduate student, and as an individual. I spoke a little about it in class, and wrote about it in the last reflection assignment.

I talked about my self disclosure to the student I was interviewing and how that may have colored her answers or her perceptions of me (mostly in a positive way). When I reflected and thought about this, I saw how my disclosure could have played a role in the way my interviewee answered the questions I asked her. However when thinking about what I disclosed, it was something that is common knowledge about my life to anyone who knows me and therefore not something that I would consider sensitive or would make me feel awkward disclosing. This lead me to thinking...what is it that we disclose, when, why, to whom, to what end, and what are the effects of disclosure on the self.

I think disclosure of any kind for me on a personal level is easier and less thought out than in a work environment or at a student or researcher. In my personal life is where I have the most personal disclosures but worry the least about it. I think this is because I have already vetted the people I am close to and I know I can depend on them to be helpful and not criticize or judge anything that I say.

As a researcher the disclosures I worry about are much like the issue I encountered in my most recent interview. I worry that if I say too much about myself or my experience then I may inadvertently be changing the narrative, or the language of the narrative, of the interviewee. It was a great experience to realize that disclosure of even things I think are menial is something I have to be conscious of when doing research because they can have a big impact.

I think my biggest struggle in terms of what to disclose and when is in my role as a student. I work at the same institution I take courses at so I find myself always trying to be cautious about sharing anything at all because I don't want anything to potentially affect my career and the job that I love. I disclosed something extremely personal out of utility this past summer. There is a course with a faculty member that I may have to take, but I know that being in a classroom with that faculty member will be more detrimental to my health than not taking the course, but it's a core course. I asked to take it independent study with a different faculty member or substitute a different class, especially since I work in the field the class is on. However, I was told that wasn't possible and if I couldn't take the course than I wouldn't be able to stay in the program. I then self-disclosed a traumatic experience that I worked very hard to keep hidden from my job, to my program director in hopes of him understanding my inability to work with that faculty member. After disclosing I was allowed to wait until Spring 2016, but ultimately will still be faced with taking the course with the specific faculty member. That whole experience makes me think about disclosure in a different way. I disclosed something very personal and I spend time wondering whether that was wise or not, because it didn't help me much, and now I worry about the program director (or ex director now) thinking I'm a complete crazy mess not capable of doctoral level study. And then my fears go larger that what I disclosed may be repeated.

So what I think I take away from this idea of self-disclosure is that within your personal experience and life it is okay to disclose because it is a safe space, but that disclosure in other capacities should not be a part of my regular daily experience because it can affect my research and potentially affect my academics and career.