Two Worlds Apart

It's hard for me to think about research. Lately I've been really feeling like I don't fit within my program. Last year I was never sure I fit in my program and went back and forth about staying or going, but my personal life was also falling apart. So I attributed my feelings to my life being hectic. I started this year/ semester strong really feeling like this is exactly where I want to be and what I want to do. But now I'm not so sure. I don't know that my values match up with the program. I'm also not sure there's a single faculty member that would want to work with me, so I may not even be able to set up a committee for dissertation. I'm more interested in the work, but further from the program than I've ever been and I don't know if that matters.

So then I'm in the class and it's actually really exciting to read through and do hands on preliminary work and I'm falling more in love with the area of research I'm interested in. I finally found the area I belong. I'm hoping my interview can make it and interview with me next week- I want to do a follow up with the same person I did my last interview with. Fingers crossed it goes better.

But that becomes my struggle. Do I stay in a program I know in my heart I don't feel connected to and I don't feel comfortable with the faculty because I found an area I want to study? Or do I walk away because I know I don't fit and find another program where my ideals and my values match and I can still study what I want. I'm invested in this program time wise and don't have much more until dissertation time, but is it something I want to do. I was talking to a colleague today and she said "Krystal your problem is you're too idealistic. You imagine everyone will have the same high standards and values as you and if you hold on to those ideals you'll never get ahead".  And I wonder how true that is and if I do have to bend. I don't want to give up on expecting people to just want to care. I feel like when I lose that expectation I'll lose what matters to me at my core. 

For now, I sit in class and struggle to understand whether I belong here or not.