Two Worlds Apart

It's hard for me to think about research. Lately I've been really feeling like I don't fit within my program. Last year I was never sure I fit in my program and went back and forth about staying or going, but my personal life was also falling apart. So I attributed my feelings to my life being hectic. I started this year/ semester strong really feeling like this is exactly where I want to be and what I want to do. But now I'm not so sure. I don't know that my values match up with the program. I'm also not sure there's a single faculty member that would want to work with me, so I may not even be able to set up a committee for dissertation. I'm more interested in the work, but further from the program than I've ever been and I don't know if that matters.

So then I'm in the class and it's actually really exciting to read through and do hands on preliminary work and I'm falling more in love with the area of research I'm interested in. I finally found the area I belong. I'm hoping my interview can make it and interview with me next week- I want to do a follow up with the same person I did my last interview with. Fingers crossed it goes better.

But that becomes my struggle. Do I stay in a program I know in my heart I don't feel connected to and I don't feel comfortable with the faculty because I found an area I want to study? Or do I walk away because I know I don't fit and find another program where my ideals and my values match and I can still study what I want. I'm invested in this program time wise and don't have much more until dissertation time, but is it something I want to do. I was talking to a colleague today and she said "Krystal your problem is you're too idealistic. You imagine everyone will have the same high standards and values as you and if you hold on to those ideals you'll never get ahead".  And I wonder how true that is and if I do have to bend. I don't want to give up on expecting people to just want to care. I feel like when I lose that expectation I'll lose what matters to me at my core. 

For now, I sit in class and struggle to understand whether I belong here or not. 

Class discussions

I appreciate the idea of a critical friends group..which is what we have in class. This idea is that you and a small group of classmates discuss your research area and interests and hopefully your group will be able to push you to think about your research in a different way. I think this idea has such a potential to be extremely helpful. 

On the other hand, I also see it as potentially negative. I struggle with my class and my group. This course is by far once of the best classes I have taken in my program and one I enjoy attending. However, it also causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. Everytime I meet with my critical friends group or read an online post by one of my peers I feel like I can't breathe. Her research area is focused on a specific trauma and it's something I had experienced and revisited in a new form last summer, but I very well can't say that I struggle in my group without disclosing why I struggle so instead I feel stuck. I become extremely awkward and quiet when I feel triggered and stare into space. I've tried to really control my reaction and my behavior when it happens, but so far I've been unable to do so.

This class is amazing and scary both at the same time, and I wonder how that's possible. Perhaps a thought for another day.

Self Disclosure

I was thinking about the idea of self-disclosure and what role that really plays for me as a researcher, as a graduate student, and as an individual. I spoke a little about it in class, and wrote about it in the last reflection assignment.

I talked about my self disclosure to the student I was interviewing and how that may have colored her answers or her perceptions of me (mostly in a positive way). When I reflected and thought about this, I saw how my disclosure could have played a role in the way my interviewee answered the questions I asked her. However when thinking about what I disclosed, it was something that is common knowledge about my life to anyone who knows me and therefore not something that I would consider sensitive or would make me feel awkward disclosing. This lead me to thinking...what is it that we disclose, when, why, to whom, to what end, and what are the effects of disclosure on the self.

I think disclosure of any kind for me on a personal level is easier and less thought out than in a work environment or at a student or researcher. In my personal life is where I have the most personal disclosures but worry the least about it. I think this is because I have already vetted the people I am close to and I know I can depend on them to be helpful and not criticize or judge anything that I say.

As a researcher the disclosures I worry about are much like the issue I encountered in my most recent interview. I worry that if I say too much about myself or my experience then I may inadvertently be changing the narrative, or the language of the narrative, of the interviewee. It was a great experience to realize that disclosure of even things I think are menial is something I have to be conscious of when doing research because they can have a big impact.

I think my biggest struggle in terms of what to disclose and when is in my role as a student. I work at the same institution I take courses at so I find myself always trying to be cautious about sharing anything at all because I don't want anything to potentially affect my career and the job that I love. I disclosed something extremely personal out of utility this past summer. There is a course with a faculty member that I may have to take, but I know that being in a classroom with that faculty member will be more detrimental to my health than not taking the course, but it's a core course. I asked to take it independent study with a different faculty member or substitute a different class, especially since I work in the field the class is on. However, I was told that wasn't possible and if I couldn't take the course than I wouldn't be able to stay in the program. I then self-disclosed a traumatic experience that I worked very hard to keep hidden from my job, to my program director in hopes of him understanding my inability to work with that faculty member. After disclosing I was allowed to wait until Spring 2016, but ultimately will still be faced with taking the course with the specific faculty member. That whole experience makes me think about disclosure in a different way. I disclosed something very personal and I spend time wondering whether that was wise or not, because it didn't help me much, and now I worry about the program director (or ex director now) thinking I'm a complete crazy mess not capable of doctoral level study. And then my fears go larger that what I disclosed may be repeated.

So what I think I take away from this idea of self-disclosure is that within your personal experience and life it is okay to disclose because it is a safe space, but that disclosure in other capacities should not be a part of my regular daily experience because it can affect my research and potentially affect my academics and career.

Class reading reflection

Much like Brenna, I also had a very immediate reaction to one of the readings, but in a different way. For me, it was when reading the Dickson-Swift article, Researching sensitive topics: qualitative research as emotion work that really struck me. I read the article this weekend, which followed up a difficult week at work. This article spoke so much about the idea of how your research topic can affect you as the researcher, especially when researching difficult topics, but then also this idea of working in academia and the expectation that you separate yourself from your research and keep your self out of the research because you don’t want to seem unprofessional. The article then goes on to discuss how you should be considering yourself within your research. This concept struck me so vividly this weekend.

I work in academia already and feel this pressure to consistently make sure that I am the strength and guidance for the programs I run, but that my emotions do not show within our work. Last week I was notified by the parents of one of my recent AmeriCorps members that a member who had completed our program in August ended his own life and in accepting the news and talking with my supervisor the expectation was that we would respond as a program by sending food to the family (to sit Shiva), send a “Sad News” announcement to his peers, and plan for a way to highlight his service- we’ll be planting a tree at his service site in memory of him; the expectation was that we as a program act in a way to respond and have that full management of self, but not to feel.  Within my role, I am expected to run the program and work with members, but not to allow emotion in when a member who was sitting in my office only a few weeks ago made such a devastating choice for dealing with their difficulties, which is difficult.

I really had to think about my role at MSU when thinking about this article. And although I didn’t think about the article in the sense of being a researcher (although I am sure I will when I get to that point) working with students in an informal capacity (in the sense that the students are in a program, but not an academic course with me) really does have a human cost. It made me reflect on my own understanding of what I do and how I handle those difficult moments and how I focus, or don’t focus on my own self-care. I think ultimately that will be helpful in realizing some of those deficiencies now, so I can better prepare for when I am ready to do my research which I think has potential for hearing traumatic experiences when discussing foster care, and maybe improve within my current position. Since this article was optional, if you didn’t read it, I highly suggest you take a look because I think it can be helpful for all of us in our research and careers.

Possible Research Path

For me, find a path of research seems so difficult. There are tons of things I'm interested in and I really could research any one of those things and be happy. Except I don't always feel the support of my department to research what matters to me. I've been told several times "program planning is what will make you successful". Program planning is boring. I know what you study for your dissertation may not be what you study in the future, but I don't want to be stuck studying something I don't feel passionate about. In class on Wednesday I was able to talk with my critical friend's group about one of the possible options for study.

Over this summer I volunteered with a camp, called Camp to Belong (you can check out the camp here: http://camptobelong.org/). While volunteering I was given an opportunity to explore a potential new area of research. From the time I met some of the volunteers to the time I left the camp I can say I was sold on everything the camp stands for. I remember thinking the idea of camp to belong was that siblings separated in foster care would be given an opportunity to see each other and get to know and hang out with their siblings and reconnect and it would just be a fun experience and a nice thing to do. But then I remember Joanne, the director of the camp I volunteered with giving a small speech to the volunteers and she said the real take-a-way for the camp was the remind these kids that everyone belongs to someone and although family may not be close by, they do belong to each other. I know belong is in the name of the camp and I should've seen and understood that, but I was thinking more along the lines of belonging in terms of fitting in, not so much having a place and a person to belong to. And that was just one of many revelations I had during that week where I came away really proud of the work the camp does and so happy for the kids that get at least this one opportunity to connect on a meaningful level. The camp itself was great, and I learned a lot about the children, and maybe more so about myself personally, but it has also opened me up to seeing a potential area of research (and maybe a grant writing assignment to bring this program to NJ).

After discussing a little of my experience with my friends group, one area of research might be this concept of siblings apart. How do you remain a part of a family when apart and what type of effects does being apart have on the sibling relationship? Do these kids feel like they belong to someone when apart? This friends group conversation led me to a potential area of research to really focus on that I could be passionate about. We also brainstormed ideas for how to frame this idea into one that hopefully the faculty of my program would also support, which can be really helpful. Over the next week I'm going to spend some time looking at and seeing what type of research already exists in this arena and maybe formulating a potential research question.

When to be a Movement

Tonight I received a friend request on Facebook from a colleague. So I did what I usually do when that happens; before I accepted I went to my page and scrolled through to just double check and make sure I didn't post anything recently that might offend this colleague. When I did what I found was this speech I had posted a little while ago:

I had the privilege of seeing Becca Stevens speak in May at an event for college students focused on social justice, which is one of the many themes of the above video that made me like it so much that I shared it on my social media. The idea behind Magdalene and Thistle Farms(thistlefarms.org) is amazing, but that's not where I'm focusing now. In this particular speech she speaks to what a movement is, and what it shouldn't be. This...THIS... is what I want to do with my life. I want to be a part of something that is so much bigger than me and can make real tangible differences in peoples' lives.

In this speech Becca says, "A movement can die easily; it can die if we just stay around the table; if we stay insular with ourselves ; if we get bogged down in the bureaucracy in the politics that institutional life sometimes pulls us towards with unbelievable pressure. To be a movement means that you and I are moving beyond that. That we have a higher calling; that we have a higher purpose. We are called to love the world." The piece of this that is so important and I think becomes a constant theme when talking about dissertations and research and what type of career moves you'd like to make is how to really be a movement for whatever it is you want without letting politics and bureaucracy pull you down or change your priorities and direction. When I evaluate myself as a researcher and as a person, I know that's one of my biggest difficulties. I'm not very good at politics because I prefer being genuine and I wind up either completely disregarding the political realm and getting myself in trouble or I compromise my own beliefs to try and fit the mold presented. I feel this way often within my program with people constantly telling me what I should study and why their beliefs are more important. And so I wonder, where do I draw the line and decide this is where I want to go and what I want to do, and where do I simply follow along with what others want from me. When and where do my values become priority and is it a matter of me just taking the risk and being more forward with who I am and what I want.

Dissertation study thoughts

The more I think about potential research the more I'm drawn to the qualitative aspect. I think my natural assumption is to go with quantitative data, which is usually because I am comfortable with it and I know typically it's what grants look for to show you've made a difference. I run several grants and all of our data is numbers driven. I do think there is a place for quantitative data, but there should probably be a place for qualitative as well. It's good to know that a student has not succeeded in passing their courses, but it would also be helpful to know that students' perception of why they didn't pass is. Or for the students who do really well, what they think are the supports and reasons for their success. 

I have no real definitive idea of what it is that I would like to study and do research on, however I do think I know the process in which I'd like to study. And maybe that's a way to decide- figure out how and start thinking concretely about the way I would set up a study and let the topics come last. Because I am so interested in many different things and studying different things, maybe figuring out how to do a study and seeing what's feasible will help me to narrow into a topic that's doable but also lies in one of my passions. 

Researcher Identity Memo

The purpose of this memo is to begin a conversation with yourself about the personal relevance of the research you are planning and why you care about it. To help get you started, answer the following questions:
*What are your passions? What makes you care about the topic, or the people, places or things you wish to study?
* What presumptions and beliefs do you hold about the topic, people, places, or things?
* What are your assumptions and beliefs based on?
* What is currently preoccupying your mind as you begin your research?
* What are your predilections and preferences as a researcher?

My passion is for my job, the work, I do, and the great students I get the privilege of working with every day. I struggle in terms of research for my dissertation and need to find a focus because I think there are so many things within my every day work life that I'm passionate about and it's hard to figure out and frame exactly what it is I want to focus on. I work with many first generation college students; and due to the nature of my job I get to meet them where they are and be a real support to them in ways that a faculty member wouldn't. I spent two hours this past Wednesday sitting with one of my students, sometimes listening, and sometimes crying with her as she discussed how hurt she was feeling after her boyfriend of a year died in an accident last week. That experience took me outside of my comfort zone and allowed me to grieve with her and support her, while also being human and allowing emotions into that relationship.And it's experiences like that which allow me to form real positive mentoring connections with my students, that make me so passionate about what I do. Being able to be a small form of a support system for a student who may not have it. I think far too often we as a society have this idea of what the professional is and this view of how we are supposed to be objective and separated and distant if we are going to be successful. I just don't fit that mold. I'm extremely lucky to have a position working with students where I don't have to fit that mold. That student is just one of many I get to encounter and provide support to. My main role within my position is to provide leadership and guidance to a service program for students who are economically disadvantaged; many of whom are first generation college students, but while that's my official role by university standards, mentoring them and teaching them and guiding them is always where I see my most important role. Service is the other aspect of my program and job that is my passion. Service for me has always been a grounding force in my life. I have yet to find anything that can make me feel as whole as I do when I provide service to others. And to be able to share that passion with students and guide them into experiences that are so meaningful to me, allow me to fully embrace my position and love what I do. These are the topics I'm currently looking at studying, but I never really know if I can make them work within a family context. I wonder if I'm in the right program.

In terms of assumptions and beliefs, I think sometimes I forget not all first generation college students or all students struggling with finances have the same thoughts and experiences I had in college. When I think of first generation college students, I think of students that have no real ways to pay for college and lack support at home and lack motivation from family members to go to college because that my experience. But I recently did an independent study with a faculty member looking at first generation college students and in many of the transcripts from the interviews students had parents that wanted them to go to college and succeed and that saved money to be able to pay for their children's education. I also believe every student who lacks real financial support would be willing to do anything to get the opportunity to finance their education, but many times through the years I've encountered plenty of students who have turned down the opportunity to be in my program after hearing they had to do a bunch of community service to receive their stipend and scholarship. And from that I find myself getting frustrating because service is one of my passions and I'm willing to do it for free meanwhile students aren't willing to do it to pay for their education. I think my assumptions and beliefs are pretty clearly based on my own experiences and how I viewed college and the supports or lack of I received to enter college.

As I begin research I think there are a few things preoccupying my mind. First and foremost related to research is probably my panic for not knowing what I want to research specifically and not having a focus. Although I work with first gen students right now and love it, I find my mind consistently wandering to other topics that interest me such as foster care students on college campuses, or community schools as a way of creating community, the roles churches/faith play in the development of individuals, or some other topics. I feel like I've been flailing around following every other direction that seems interesting without finding a real focus. I also think although this course is meant to help narrow and focus your research, it may be for me the opportunity to really reflect and figure out if this PhD program is right for me; which is the other topic that constantly preoccupies me. Last summer I experienced a traumatic event, that while difficult at the time and the months that followed, really helped me to figure out what I value in life. When I applied to my program my motivation and purpose was clear and for me I could be completely focused on doctoral work and completing this program was going to be my number one priority. But then last summer happened and I had to take a step back and reevaluate my life. My conclusion was although education is good, maybe focusing on loving life and embracing people for who they are and meeting them where are is way more important. To me, that's way more of a necessity that a fancy PhD. This summer, I didn't work nearly as hard or well as I should have on the independent study because I traveled both with students and on my own, to different areas to do service. Something had to be sacrificed- either my work quality for my PhD program or some opportunities for service. I chose to follow my heart to service and sacrifice my phd work. And if I had to choose I'd do it again in a heart beat because I found myself in service again this summer. I found who I was and who I want to be; and I found happiness. And that worries me. It worries me in the sense that I feel like all of the faculty I've encountered have worked so hard to create this PhD program (10 years in the making!!) and I may be wasting all of their time and making a mockery of their efforts by not being the focused phd student I know I'm supposed to be. I worry that I know since my new found love for life, I will if faced with a choice always choose now to follow what feels right in my heart(maybe that means focusing efforts on service instead of studies) versus what is expected of doctoral level students( dedication!).

Predilections and preferences are difficult to point out as a researcher because I don't really know myself as a researcher. What I do know is that I tend to lean toward wanting to do qualitative studies, especially PAR, because it focuses more on some of my passions, but i know that quantitative research is what gets funded. I struggle with knowing at some point I'm going to have to choose and I don't know if I can make the correct choice. And who's choice would I be making? One that benefits the research or focusing solely on what I know I could get funded? I have a bias towards qualitative studies because as I mentioned previously I enjoy that interaction with people. I want to get to know everything about everyone because people are fascinating, This will be an area for me to explore further in my next "memo" to see if I can narrow down some of my research preferences and start to think seriously about potential research topics and ways to effectively research them.